(pausing for laughter)
No you stop it.
So when watched through Hulu, you gotta sit through some commercials at the start, which is when I usually click over to my fantasy team or some random blog or whatever. I just avoid. But I do leave the sound on, so that I know when to come back to Jon Stewart and his honest factuals.
But today, after about 37 seconds, I still didn't hear anything, so I clicked back over to Hulu and came upon this video, which my colleagues and I (err...) have unanimously deemed "Advertisement of the Year." Exciting times for the executive team at Rose City Rookie, Inc and Sons.
So remember, I was sucked in about halfway through, actually, yeah, right about the 37 second mark. At first, I thought, wow, badass laundry bin. And then I saw the "Heated Seat" graphic and was like... umm, what could that be?
And then a remote control?
After I finished watching the ad, I clicked on the screen (so it took me to Kohler's site) and I was dumbfounded. There actually is a $6,400 toilet.
Naturally, I had to re-watch the video and dissect its every frame.
0:00 - 0:08 The intro is incredible. It makes me instantly think of porn. But not raunchy porn. There's this new porn where the directors make it look like people are actually in love and are real people. THAT kind of porn. Emotion: intriguingly aroused.
0:08 - 0:24 Yep, still porn. They're gonna do it on that ottoman. In front of the whole city of New York. Emotion: still intriguingly aroused.
0:25 - 0:37 We're introduced to the "auto open and close" function. It's kinda starting to remind me of those cheap booklights you get with a Snuggie that creepishly unfold. Emotion: uneasy.
0:38 Man in sharp suit approaches lady with nice legs. It's obvious that something's about to go down. This is when I quietly start to ponder the sex/excrement comparison, and I realize that there's only one: They both use the same body parts. Kohler has successfully made me think about a lady backing out the brown Volvo in a sexual way. They're good. Emotion: extremely impressed.
0:39 - 0:41 Heated seat? What? I don't know about you, but I like my toilets chilly. A nice cool spike to my buttcheeks is refreshing. I don't want heat on my ass. And besides, some turd evacuating sessions send me into a sweat. I don't need more heat when I'm doing my business. Emotion: distraught.
0:41 - 0:45 Warms feet? Are you joking? Emotion:
Pause it at 0:48. Doesn't it look a bit tall? Is this a toilet for professional basketball players? I mean, I guess they are the ones that have 6 Gs for a toilet, but there's a lady in the commercial, and judging by the WNBA's shorter baskets and inability to dunk, ehh, I dunno. Emotion: confused.
0:49 - 0:51 More flashes of leg and then...
0:52 Of course, the touch screen remote. I've found that I'm slightly behind on phone technology, and just happened to have a birthday-infused sister lose her iPhone, get a new one, find her own, and give me her old one. If it wasn't for that incident, I'd still be rocking a brick. Basically, I got a touch screen the same week as toilets got touch screens, and for me, it was an intoxicated accident. Emotion: humbled? No.
0:56 Music! I knew it was an iPhone. Which begs the question... where are the speakers?? Because if there's a subwoofer in this toilet, I don't care how much they want for it. I'm in. Emotion: womp womp womp.
1:02 A water efficient flush. Somewhat incredible. But what would be even cooler, is if you could snap a picture of whatever you left in the toilet, message it to your toilet, and then it decides the exact amount of water to flush, even spraying a little febreeze into the air if your duty looks plentiful. Missed opportunity, Kohler. Emotion: pompous, but then realized that I'm writing about a luxury toilet.
1:08 Then, the commercial start flashing all these gauges for water temperature/pressure/spray etc. I had no idea where they were going with this until...
1:13 A biday Peter Norths me. Really, Kohler? Ugh. Emotion: pissed.
1:15 And then it started moving. Which was weird. Kinda reminded me of robot sex. Emotion: I'm not so sure that I know anymore.
1:18 And then just in case you drop your keys or toilet remote in the crapper after your done bidaying yourself, an illumination comes from your automatic ass wiper to show you the way to the unpromised land.
The closing flashes some more skin, and then done. Done is the odd porno that focuses on the toilet rather than the sex. Emotion: tired from all these emotions. This must be what Van Der Beek felt like during his days on the Creek.